Love
by Fanfiction911
Summary: Set after Black Badge. Alex realizes what she feels for Sean.


Alex stared at Sean across Operations. He was hunched over Birkoff's terminal discussing the latest intel Division had gathered on Amanda. He looked tired. The information was days old but it was the best they had at the time. Everyone had been putting in 12-14 hours days over the past few weeks pouring over audio chatter that Shadowbot had retrieved. They were no closer to finding Amanda than a month ago.

She could tell it was taking a toll on everyone. Michael was still living in Division refusing to return home and Nikita was still sleeping alone wrought with guilt over her actions. Ryan was taking the President's threat of total annihilation very seriously and had all but moved into his office so that he could monitor the situation on a 24 hour basis. Birkoff was so amped on energy drinks that she thought he would have a heart attack at his desk.

And her? She was tired too but like Nikita she wouldn't stop, couldn't stop. Amanda had to be stopped. She had caused too much damage to too many people she cared about. All in the name of revenge. She shuddered at the thought. Not too long ago she was consumed with revenge. It drove her. It made her do things that she thought she wasn't capable of. She was blinded by her rage and hatred. All she thought about for years was Zetrov and revenging her parent's death.

But the feeling of emptiness didn't go away when Semack died. The feeling of loneliness didn't go away when she found her mother again. The feeling of loss didn't go away when she became a billionaire after selling her shares of Zetrov to Ilya. All her doubts and fears remained. Her anchor had been Nikita all these years. But Nikita was drifting as much as her now without Michael by her side.

Nikita and Michael. She never knew a stronger couple. They had this bond that was unbreakable. Or was it? If they couldn't make it, then what made her think she and Sean could? Yes, Sean loved her. He had said as much. But, relationships were so foreign to her. Other than Nikita, she didn't know how to open up to another person. The darkness and shame inside her was always lurking on the surface. If he only knew the things that happened to her, the things that she had to do to survive, would he still feel the same about her? Would he still love her? She couldn't even love herself. How could anyone love her, let alone him? He had grown up in the all-American family. Surrounded by parents that loved him and sisters that adored him. He didn't even know what the word dysfunctional meant. She did though.

She was shaken from her thoughts by a soft touch to her back. She glanced around and saw Nikita smiling at her. Her hand still reassuringly touching on her back. "Hey," the older woman said softly.

"Hey," Alex replied with a small smile. "Any progress?"

"It's a process," Nikita said before steering the conversation to a more personal level. "How's Sean doing?"

"He's good," Alex replied quickly. "I never got to thank you for what you did for him."

"No thanks needed. We're in this together, remember? How are you doing?" Nikita said as she looked worriedly at Alex.

"I'm good too. You don't have to worry. I'm clean." Alex said with honesty.

Nikita smiled warmly, "That's not what I meant." She glanced over at Sean still talking to Birkoff. "How are things between you and Sean?"

Alex paused before answering. "I don't know." Her forehead furrowed in frustration. Nikita waited for her to continue. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know what he expects or wants. I feel like we want different things."

Nikita smoothed her hand down Alex's back reassuringly. "We all want different things, Alex. What is important is that you're able to support each other in the process of getting those different things. Do you love him?"

"I've never been in love before. I don't know what love feels like. I care about him ... a lot. How did you know you we're in love with Michael?"

"When the CIA took Sean into custody and we were in Operations trying to come up with a plan, what did you feel?" Nikita asked gently.

"I felt ... like I was suffocating," Alex said haltingly. "It was like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do. It was like having the carpet pulled from under me. I mean I had all this money and Division had all these resources but none of that meant anything. I kept thinking of the last morning we spent together. It was stupid. He was talking about rescheduling to visit his sister and I had my back towards him terrified of where he was going with the conversation and what he wanted out of our relationship." Alex paused. "I should have told him," Alex said as her eyes watered at the thought.

"Should have told him what, honey?" Nikita urged softly.

"That none of that mattered as long as he came back to me every night. As long as he was okay, I was okay," Alex whispered on the verge of tears.

Nikita smiled. "I think you know what it feels like to be in love."

Alex let out a sigh and a laugh. Nikita turned and hugged her placing a kiss on her forehead as she pulled away. "Now go and tell him," she said as she smiled and started to walk away.

Taking a deep breath, Alex straightened herself up and started to wipe the tears from her face. She watched Nikita disappear from Operations and head towards Michael's office. She silently wished Nikita luck as she undoubtedly was trying to chip away at the wall Michael had built between them. It was the same wall she had built between Sean and herself. It was the same wall that needed to come down before she destroyed herself with self-loathing and regret.

With determination in her step, she walked towards Birkoff's terminal. Birkoff was lecturing Sean about Shadowbot's sophisticated filters when she stopped in front of them.

"Hey," she said looking directly at Sean.

Looking up and seeing Alex's puffy eyes and dried tears, Birkoff immediately stopped and cleared his throat uncomfortably. Sean looked up at the same time and concern immediately furrowed his brow.

"Hey, everything OK?" he asked tentatively already moving up from his position in front of Birkoff's monitor and walking towards Alex.

"Can we talk?" Alex asked stiffly.

"Sure," he said softly to her but his face betrayed how worried he was.

Birkoff looked at Sean and then back at Alex. This didn't look or sound good. "Uh, why don't we continue this later, man?" he said to Sean's back. Sean didn't even acknowledge the question as he reached out to touch Alex's arm.

Trying to keep her emotions in check in front of everyone in Operations, she turned towards the door and stiffly started walking out. Thoroughly confused and worried, Sean turned to follow her out. She led them to the recruit locker room which was now abandoned. She sat down on a bench in front of the lockers and motioned for Sean to do the same.

"What's wrong, Alex? You're starting to scare me," Sean said sitting next to her on the bench his left knee touching hers. He wanted to reach out and take her hand but he couldn't bring himself to move let alone breath. He had faced countless situations throughout his SEAL career and his time in Division. Pretty much nothing scared him. Until now. He felt his heart racing so hard his head was buzzing. His hands were sweating. She was going to break his heart. He was sure of it but the ridiculous thing was that even if she did, he would still love her.

Alex took a breath of air and let it out slowly mentally preparing herself for what she was going to admit to Sean. She could see the worry and emotional turmoil in his face. "I want to talk about us," she started shakily.

His heart dropped to his stomach, Sean mustered all his courage, steadied his voice and replied slowly, "Okay, what about us?"

"Do you love me?" she asked softly.

"You know I do, Alex," Sean said as he shook his head in slight confusion unsure of where the conversation was headed. He'd been in relationships before and even got dumped a few times but he'd never been in love with any of those women. It didn't matter like it did now.

Alex nodded mechanically, already knowing the answer to her question. "You've never asked me if I loved you," she said looking into his worried eyes.

Sean cocked his head slight to the left. "No, I guess I never have."

"Why?" she asked him honestly.

Pausing to think about his reply, Sean said, "I know you care about me. I know you've been through a lot in your life. I didn't want to ... pressure you."

Alex looked at him silently.

Shifting his weight on the bench uncomfortably, Sean continued slightly shaken by her silence. "To tell you the truth, I guess I've been afraid of your answer. Look, Alex. I've never been in love before until now. I know you're ... different," he stammered.

She furrowed her eyebrows.

"What I mean is that, I don't want to mess this up between us," he said hurredly. "You're not like anyone I've ever met before let alone loved." Sean shook his head trying to find the right words. "Everyone sees this strong, sexy, tough, smart, stubborn, loyal person ... but underneath all that, I see this beautiful, vulnerable, fierce woman capable of almost anything." He shrugged his shoulders. "You're the strongest person I know." He continued unsteadily, "I was hoping that maybe given enough time you would fall in love with me the same way I fell for you."

Alex looked at Sean. He was afraid of her feelings for him? Of course he was, she never told him how she felt. He poured out his feelings to her but she never reciprocated. He never once asked her if she loved him afraid that she would break his heart by telling her no, she wasn't or that she didn't know. He had come to know her so well over the past year. It must have been so hard for him to live with the uncertainty of her feelings for him. No wonder he was jealous over Owen. She had never even considered Owen as anything other than a fellow Division agent. But to him, the easy banter and the joking between Owen and herself must have driven his insecurities into overdrive.

He was quiet as he studied her face. She let out a breath of air she didn't know she had been holding. She did something she had never done before. She reached up with her hands to cup his face gently and slowly closed the distance between them. She kissed him tentatively at first and deepened it when she felt him circle his arms around her waist. She pulled away gently and leaned her forehead against Sean's to catch her breath. She could feel his heart racing. Kissing him always took her breath away.

She lifted her face to look him in the eyes, hands still cupping his face. She smiled as tears flowed freely down her face. "I love you," she said simply.

He looked momentarily stunned but quickly recovered and brought his hands to her face to gently wipe away her tears with his thumbs. His large hands framed her face as she leaned into his touch. She caught herself laughing and crying at the same time.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," her voice muffled by his neck and chest as he locked her in an embrace.

"It's okay. I'm just glad that you feel the same way," he said softly as he kept her in his embrace and ran his hands reassuringly down her back.

Alex smiled into his chest. This is what love feels like she thought. This is what Michael and Nikita have. And this is what Nikita is fighting so hard to keep. She realized that the paralyzing fear and shame that had replaced the hatred and the rage inside her was starting to fade. In the end all that mattered was the people that had become like family around her and the man in front of her. They were teaching her what love really meant.

The End


End file.
